In the search for something…

16 Mar

Usually when I’m feeling down or angry I write… I haven’t done it lately, meerly because of “time” and of indesition, yes indestition… how can someone be undeciseful about what’s good for them? It’s easier than it sounds… you just question yourself, and make up silly excuses… I have done them a lot lately.

I’m searching for something, I don’t know what it is exactly… I feel empty, lifeless and depressed… I’m finding it hard to just wake up and get up in the morning, nothing seems to be right and no one seems to undergo what I’m living now… I see a lot of people  around me just having a great life, and I feel like I’m missing that, but I cant put my finger on it just yet.

Is it hapiness that I’m after? Am I really happy?… I supose I am… I can smile and have a good time whenever I want to… I’m starting to think that it’s because I don’t have enough money to have a “normal life”, yes, that’s it!… everyone has resources to do what they want to do whenever they want to do it!… and I don’t, it’s like I’m a mediocre person :O !! I haven’t climbed to the next step in life!, I’m missing a stable job, a job that I lilke that leaves me with enough capital to do whatever I want!… 😦

I do have a job… I just don’t earn enough money, and it’s a lie about what they say… “love is all you need”.. noooo sir… u.u I’ve done nothing but love… and it’s still not enough!!…

I feel emptyyyyyyy… I need God… u.u a pastor told my grandmother that I needed to look for God or I might never find him never… that hit me sooo hard!! u.u I know I want to go… but I’m afraid of judgement, that’s all… I’m afraid it will hurt to know the truth :S I know if I go, everything in my life will turn out for the better… see what I mean when I say that how can someone be undeciseful about what’s good for them?

I need a break… I need to focus… I need God!

 

u.u bye

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2 Responses to “In the search for something…”

  1. Yuri Kageyama March 26, 2009 at 8:49 am #

    Hi, great to touch base with you again. I read your blog when you say you are feeling stress. You are a writer, and many writers aren’t the happy-go-lucky type. You are so talented. With time, you will find what you want in Life.

  2. Yuri Kageyama March 28, 2009 at 9:53 pm #

    PS
    Would you like to contribute a short fiction piece for an anthology I am putting together?
    It has to have be in English and it must also have a reference to Japan in it somewhere, but it can be a passing reference like sushi a character is eating in a scene, or something a character says about Japan.
    Are you interested?
    It is for a book I am putting together for next year for Printed Matter Press in Tokyo.

    http://www.printedmatterpress.com/

    I will send you a small fee out of my pocket to your account in the currency of your prefernce.
    This is my email:
    ykageyama@ap.org

    I’ve just started putting it together so I only have two pieces planned for it, one by me and the other by Hillel Wright.
    But I am also asking others to take part.
    You will be in good company. 😉
    Yuri

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