Mental floss VI

29 Jul

The last time Ii wrote something like this I found myself in a very happy place, I felt like nothing could stop me, I felt preety, the world was at my finger tips I could almost touch my future, and just as I reached for it, the grasp that would take me to the next pinacle wasn’t at my reach, I turned in to bitterness Betty, I lost many things, I fell in to this deep sleep and I couldn’t wake up, a bad dream the kind you wake up screaming and crying, sometimes I just felt like dying. I think I haven’t learned the whole lesson, I feel like I’m still recovering from the nightmare, at times when I’m alone I wish I could go back and stop whatever I was doing to pay attention and choose another path, but I can’t do that, I know it perfectly, I miss a lot of things, too many I think, Mistakes, miss + take, missing a path, going somewhere you shouldn’t go then realizing it’s not the way, and trying to back just to find out you can’t and you have to move foward to find another turn to get back to your old path… I still can’t find it, I’m going through this road that’s pitch dark and I keep bumping in to things, some are very familiar, others are strange and new, it’s the longest I’ve been lost in my life, the longest I’ve been trying to recover from my wounds, but I keep going because there’s a force, quite unexplainable that pulls me even though I keep hiting myself with obstacles… a promise that I will be okay at the end, that somethings waiting for me to take me back where I belong, I praise and sing to this promise, there may be no light to guide me clearly but it’s pulling hard, and it has been since I woke up. 

For so lon I have asked for my space, for a brake to breathe from all this, I have it, nobody understands this, mistaking me for someone who is just not compromised, for someone who needs to suck up and keep living… I’m not like that, I’m not the kind who can be cool with certain things, I miss just feeling free, people can’t mind their own problems, they need to look at yours to feel like they have nothing, like their lives are just fine in comparison… let me be, I do what I feel like doing knowing I’m in peace, what do you care if I do things differently, I have no regrets, this time, I only regret not having the guts to stop when I had to to avoid all of this. I didn’t have time to get over anything, it all happened so fast, one thing after another, everything else just swifted by, blurry, so fast that I haven’t had time to stop, I just kept going, and I keep looking back, searching fo who knows what, I see most people that surround me, everyone has something that makes me feel happy, some make me feel headaches, others make me feel like I want to punch them in the face, I don’t know why I want people to care about me more than they do (or don’t do in some cases) I need a hug, I need comfort, I need so manythings it’s so hard to know what they are, I just feel it, everytime I’m in a place alone I feel it, after everyone’s gone, it doesn’t go… the reminder that I could have done things differently, then I wouldn’t feel this, then I would just be happy, like I was. 

Like I said, there’s hope for me, I have faith, I only worry because I don’t trust myself in my way of thinking. 

Thank you for reading.

 

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